Happy Anniversary

It seems like August is the time of year for weddings and anniversaries.  August 4th marks my 24th wedding anniversary.  It seems like yesterday that our friends and family celebrated our special day. Funny thing is it wasn't the dream wedding that everyone thought it was.

The drama began months before our special day.  Simon and I were just finishing up our last semester at Dixie College and heading home.  Once we were home Simon and I found out I was pregnant.  My parents were invited to Simon's home for a dinner of Polynesian food.  His parents were gracious and hospitable. The wedding plans were started that night and the decision was made to serve Polynesian food at the reception.  Simon's parents were in charge of it all.  Decorations, food, MC, band etc...

My husband and I had asked my bishop to marry us.  He accepted and put the date on his calendar.  I was really excited about this for many reasons.  He spoke English, and it was really the only thing I felt truly in charge of.  He explained to me what he would be saying and interviewed me about our courtship. I knew he would do a good job!  We had three months of planning and preparation ahead of us.   The bishop of my husbands Tongan ward requested a meeting with the two of us since we were getting married in his building.  Now, I full expected this meeting to go great.  Everyone thus far was super supportive of our upcoming wedding.

I remember being asked to enter his office and the battery of questions began.  He asked why we were waiting for 3 months to get married.  I tried to explain that it would take that much time to prepare for a wedding of this magnitude.  I couldn't believe my ears when this bishop told us to hurry up and get married that week.  For those of you who know me, I speak whats on my mind.  I interrupted and said we didn't have a place to live.  He snapped right back at me with the response, "You can live under a tree in the park!" I was so taken back..  He clearly didn't realize I was a white born and breed, spoiled American and there was no way I would be living in a park!  I was totally dumbfounded and deeply offended.  This whole time Simon just sat there looking at his hands and never uttering a word.  It was years later that I understood the Polynesian cultural of "Respecting your Elders and those in Authority".  I left this meeting in tears and Simon was trying to console me by saying, everything will be ok.  I was mad that Simon didn't stick up for us. A few days later Simon informed me that his bishop would not allow my bishop to preside over the wedding since it was "HIS" building.  When I found out I sat in my walk in closet and cried for hours by myself.  I still think this was rather pompous!  I'm still salty after 24 years.

My dad paid for our wedding.  He never questioned the amount Simon's parents asked for and just kept writing checks.  I love my dad for this!  The only thing I remember my parents fighting over was the amount of money my mother spent on her own dress.  My dad had good reason for this, her dress cost more than my wedding dress.

The night before our wedding Simon brought over blankets and mats with his parents, in the traditional Tongan style.  They were beautiful!  Simon also brought his belongings to my parents home.  It was a small green ratty carry-on suitcase.  That was everything he owned.  I asked him if he wanted to stay and hang out, he said he had a lot of cooking to do with the fam.

The next morning my little brother had an early soccer game.  My dad came home laughing and told me that one of the boys on the team went to a bachelor party the night before.  The party was for some guy named Simon.  Was this just a coincidence?  I think not!  I called Simon hurt and crying that he lied to me about the night before.  I honestly can't even remember his lame excuse!  But believe me it was lame!  I told Simon he would be waiting a long time because I was NOT coming to the wedding!

My Aunt Aneta was in town for my wedding and she was the only person in my home at the time really centered in love and Christ.  She asked to pray with me that morning.  I am so grateful she did this because I really needed it!  It definitely calmed me down a bit, but again, I was pregnant and I was close to loosing my cool!

I was trying to stand my ground and "Show Him".  Maybe show Simon or his bishop or whoever else got in my way.  Ultimately my dad forced me to get in the car.  We were fashionably late.  Simon said he was really worried.  Good!  I hope he was!!

The whole reception was Polynesian.  I wore the traditional dress like I was told, I ate the cake that was made by Simon's Aunty in California.  We had a table full of cakes.  This needs mentioning because it was fruit cake and hard as a rock as it traveled for days to make it to the wedding.  I smiled graciously and tried my best to swallow it.  When I was dancing on the stage I was told to stop dancing because of my condition.

What topped the night off was; I left my purse with my wedding dress in the bathroom when I changed into the Tongan traditional clothing.  When I changed out of it to the dress I was leaving in I cleaned up everything got in my purse and my only $20 bucks was stolen!  Who steals from the BRIDE and leaves her broke on her wedding day?  We did make some money with all the "fakapale" going on.  So I think they stole the money out of my purse to give it back to me while I was dancing!  uggh! Annoying!

I'm sure glad our wedding wasn't a foreshadowing of things to come or we would have never made it! Some things have never changed.  Simon is still quietly respectful of his elders and authority.  When he lies he still has Lame excuses and I still never remember them.  When I'm super upset I still cry in my walk-in closet but Simon always come in and pulls me out and he still says, "everything will be ok!"  The thing is- now He always stays to hang out and everything always turns out to be ok!

Growing Up and Moving Out

When your kids move away to go to school you should be warned that from that moment on things will never be the same.  Kids go to school to get an education but accomplish much more than that.  Independence is the greatest accomplishment.  They learn to survive on their own, budget money, figure out life's mishaps, get sick and take care of themselves, learn to cook food that they like, do laundry, buy tires, etc...

My daughter moved away 2.5 years ago.  I cried because I was told things would change drastically.  I missed her like crazy, but our relationship flourished with phone calls everyday and advice that she was willing to listen to.  Living on an island 3500 miles away from home makes it virtually impossible for a visit.  There was no coming home to do laundry on the weekends or Sunday dinners to catch up on the weekly events.  Our relationship consisted of Skype calls with poor connections and planned phone calls that were 4 hours different in time zones.  My girl quickly made friends with kids in the same situation, made them her family and eventually she married the love of her life.

Her and her husband just left Utah after a month long visit to finish school.  They are on the tail end of there education and will graduate in April 2015.  While they were here we did so many fun things.  There were big events like a family vacation to Vegas and a girls trip to Zermatt.  But what I hold so close to my heart were the little things that never went unnoticed while she was here.  Sitting on the couch with my head on her feet while we watched TV, or the way she leaves the bathroom door open to talk, the hug or the squeeze of her hand, the smell of her hair, how she carried my water bottle into the gym for me, her constant complaints, her dirty dishes in the sink, the help while putting away groceries, making dinner together, the acts of kindness towards her siblings, the service my front yard needed so badly.

Why are my feelings so intense when she leaves?  Why does my heart ache and I can't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks?  Our family bond is so very powerful.  I think its the same for most people.  Family means everything.  Our nephew taught us the motto FOE (Family Over Everything) and isn't it the truth? Nothing in this world can replace the most precious gifts in your life as those who belong to you.  Humans are meant to be together, they are not meant to be separated from those that they love most dearly. Unfortunately, we forget so quickly how powerful and strong we are together.  We take for granted the closeness and time we have to share.  When someone is separated for a fair amount of time it reminds us of that need to be together once more.

The Fehoko's had a powerful month together and we were reminded of our eternal love and blessings that we fulfill for each other when we are together.  This week, hug those around you, squeeze your teenagers hand, kiss your spouse, tell your family how much you love them, giggle with your kids.  Be grateful you are together and be strong for one another.  Always be mindful that they won't be around forever and then things will never be the same again!

Love for Home

When you get off the plane to a vacation spot everything is magnified.  The colors, sounds, smells, and people all look so magnificent.  I especially love going to Hawaii.  The minute I step off the plane the air is warm and moist, the colors all seem brighter, and I can smell the flowers while walking down the outdoor corridor of the airport.  The people are all so friendly and smiling.  Everyone drives slower thus making me notice all the small things.  Maybe its the fact that I am on vacation, my watch doesn't mean anything to me and I can do whatever pleases me.  And it pleases me to enjoy the sights.  Even when I walk into the local Foodtown I notice the birds chirping.  Why is it that every place seems better than my own home?

I am lucky to have all my kids and their spouses home for a few weeks.  As I was planning for their arrival I started meal planning and picking all the hot spots to visit while they are here.  Funny, when you are trying to show off your home town all the places you take for granted all of a sudden become so important.  Today I took some time looking at all the mundane places I go everyday through the eyes of a visitor.

This morning I left for work at 6:30 am.  As I drove out of my neighborhood and headed east the sun was just peaking out over the mountain top.  This sunrise was nothing special because I see it almost every Friday.  The difference today was that I noticed it.  Really noticed it, like I notice the sunrise on vacation in Hawaii.   It was fascinating.  Sun rays blaring through the sky above the mountaintops. Looked like it was on fire with light.   This amazing view should be noticed by me more often.  I really should have taken the time to take a picture.

Harris and Jaden arrived home from Hawaii and the first thing they did was take in a deep breath and say "ahhh smells like America!"  Now I ask you, what exactly does America smell like?  In my home I smell a mixture of lingering scented candles, Downy and Febreze plug ins with a little undertone of dog and cat and sweaty boys.  Usually I don't notice this smell and often times wonder if my house smells funky to strangers.  But this smell is home to me.  I stuck my nose in a candle today to see if it still smells.  I think I am just used to the smell now because it didn't smell very strong.  I've decided this smell makes me happy.

I went to the grocery store across the street from my home today.  The birds that were housed in the overhang of the store were chirping so loud.  I don't think I have ever noticed this before.  But today I thought...  "Geez just like in Hawaii!" When I checked out the cashier was so friendly I felt like tipping her.  Is that inappropriate?  I actually knew a few of the bag boys and had a little conversation with them before I left.  I don't think I have ever stopped to think how lucky I am to have a nice local store within walking distance of my home with friendly people that I've know for years. 

Simi arrived home tonight after being away on a basketball tournament for a week.  I hopped in the car rolled the windows down put on my sunglasses and turned up the stereo.  I was in Simon's car so the Polynesian music with a hint of reggae was drumming out of the speakers.  I drove up to the high school with the warm air, music and beautiful mountains in my view.  My heart leaped a little, just like it does when I am on vacation.  I didn't have a care in the world, the sun was shinning the music was loud the view was breathtaking and the air smelled good!

My lawn is green with a row of weeds down one side that I can't seem to get rid of.  The enormous tree in my front yard needs to be trimmed and my flower beds are sparse.  My driveway is cracked and falling apart.  But everything is green and lush and it smells like home.  This evening I sat on my back porch and enjoyed the warm breeze and the sun shinning on my face.  I learned a great lesson today by opening up my heart and mind to my surroundings.With gratitude I thanked the Lord for the beautiful place I live in and the people I am surrounded by to enjoy it with.  I am truly blessed.

Have a lovely weekend peeps!

She Loves YOU the Most

18 months ago a very insightful therapist told me, "Do you know why she treats you so badly?" Since tears were running down my cheeks, I just shook my head back and forth in the typical "No" in response to the question. He replied, "Because she loves YOU the most."  That statement has stuck with me and frequents my thoughts on more occasions than most.

I often times think back on all the cruel harsh words that were said the battles that were never won and the tearful nights praying for my daughter.  Then those words come back to me, "She loves you the most" and I smile.

We mothers have such a thankless job. We are one of the only consistent most influential people in our children's lives.  I encourage you to never compromise your beliefs, values, integrity, or love when it comes to your children.   These are the unseen actions and unspoken words of a mother that never get noticed.  We should love our children no matter what they dish out to us.  Sometimes we are broken and imagine we can't possibly go on.  That's when I want to say to you my friends, "Its because they love you the most!"

Love isn't earned it's given freely.  When we love unconditionally, when our children are the ugliest to love, that's when I testify that miracles will abound.  Some miracles will be so small that you could possible miss them if you aren't paying attention. Open your heart and mind to the limitless possibilities of those words, "they love YOU the most!"

Sometimes I joke that I can hardly stand my kids while on earth why would I want to spend eternity with them?  Don't we all have those days?  But truly, I can't bare the thought of not being with my family for eternity.  Everyone holds there own beliefs.  These are the things that keep us going, right?  I am a supporter of individuality and would never want to offend my friends with my beliefs nor would I ever want someone to try and convenience me that my beliefs are wrong.  For me- I believe there is only one power on this earth that can bind families for the eternities.  I believe that this promise to seal families together can only be performed in the temple of our God by the proper authority.  This belief keeps me going.  It is what makes me treat my children with respect and love in all that I do.  It also make me stronger/firmer with my kids when I need to be.  Whether this is true for you or not, it's true for me. I am grateful for those who respect me enough to let me enjoy this life with my hopes, desires and beliefs.

 Life is often times so painful.  Trust me I've been there, done that and in my lifetime will probably do it again.  Just typing that brings tears to my eyes.  Why do we keep trying?  Why do we keep forgiving?  Why do we keep praying?   I'm pretty sure the reason is, "WE LOVE THEM the MOST!

This week is Falisha's celebration of 18 months clean and sober!  18 months WOW!  Something to be super proud of.   Who are you kidding?  I'm her MOM.  I always knew she could do it- because, "I Loved HER the MOST!" when I could have given up.

xoxo- to those 4 precious people I Love the MOST!

My Mother

This weeks blog is dedicated to my Mother.  

Shelley Joette Anderson 1951-2009

My mother was an only child and her parents divorced when she was in the third grade.  She used to tell me stories how she would come home from school and play/watch herself until her parents would get home from work.  I guess no one thought this was strange for a young child to be alone for hours on end back in those days?  The friends that she made, she kept.  She was extremely loyal.  She married my father in 1969 and I was born in 1970.

My memories of childhood with my mom are precious.  My earliest memory is around 4 years old.  She was in the family room with curlers in her hair sitting on the floor with my baby brother.  She told me that the Mole Men wanted to play with me.  I promptly hid my eyes and I heard a rubber bouncy ball ricochet off the walls in the room.  I would then proceed to find the bouncy ball that the Mole Men were hiding.  Your probably wondering why "Mole Men" were playing with me and not fairies and princesses?  Well, that's because my mom was a horror movie lover!  I can remember watching Rosemary's Baby in black and white, Werewolf in London, Exorcist and many more, cuddled up on the couch with popcorn popped on the stove-top and my Mommy.  My favorite time was story time.  Everyday she would roll up her hair with curlers and I would sit on the toilet listening to her crazy scary stories.  "The Thump and Whistler", "The Golden Ball" (starring the King of the Mole Men) etc...  It's a wonder why I never had nightmares?

In elementary when little girls were out with their lemonade stands, I was charging kids to come see my Museum.  I had rocks, gemstones, Indian moccasins, pottery, etc..  Most things were given to me by my Grandfather Glenn Anderson. (My Mom's Dad)  My mom was so helpful.  She helped set up and organize the museum, helped me make invitations to pass out.  She was very much a part of my Museum day!  Then when I went into business selling worms, she was the one to pick them out and put them in a cup to buyers while I was away at school. An what about my parties?  Birthday party- no problem!  Cakes that would put any baker out of business.  I had the most elaborate cakes in the neighborhood!  And you would never dream of coming to my party and not play games!  She would have game after game with prizes for my friends!  Bubblegum unwrapping with socks and blowing bubbles was one of my all time favorites.  She also did beans on a knife and dropping them into mason jars, and what about passing oranges under your chin to your neighbor?  All extremely fun party games!  Every year we hosted a huge and I mean HUGE out of school party!  She orchestrated the entire event.  Handmade invitations went out to all the neighborhood kids with food assignments.  There were backyard games, food, and you won't believe this?  Everyone got to sleepover!  Boys and girls would bring their sleeping bags and everyone would sleep under the stars in my backyard!  This was a big success and made me very popular with all the neighborhood kids.  Everyone wanted an invite to this event and I can assure you no one was left out!  She always included everyone!

The year I turned 16 things started getting weird with my Mom.  Her mother died in February and her dad died in July I think?  She became increasingly depressed.  She quit her job as a teaching assistant in a local elementary.  She slept more frequently and the parties pretty much all but stopped.  The last one I remember was a makeup party to teach all my friends about putting on makeup.

By the time I got married, she was in bad shape.  There were days she wouldn't get out of bed at all.  I wrote a paper in college about my mom and how worried I was about her deep dark depression.  My dad made her read it.  She hardly acknowledged it.

My parents got divorced when my brother graduated high school.  This was a planned event on her part and we all knew it was coming for months.  Jeremy (my brother) graduated and lived with me and Simon for a time.

My Mom baby sat Falisha for one year.  At the end I would come home and find bumps and bruises on Falisha's where she went down the stairs in her walker, or off a step outside.  She loved Falisha and was a super proud Grandma but she just started not being able to watch a quickly growing toddler and the activity that Falisha required.

Things went from weird to strange and bizarre in a matter of a few years.  She went through a few marriages one to her estranged felon 2nd cousin. That's when Jeremy and I took matters into our own hands.

We lied to her to get her to go in to have a neurological DNA test done for Huntington's Disease.  We could practically manipulate her to do just about anything by now.  She was tested positive for Huntington's Disease and we promptly got custody of her through a court order.

Two weeks after Simi was born my Mom moved into my home.  We cared for her for 4 years.  Her mental and physical state diminished to the point that we decided to put her in a full time care facility.  She died 6 years later at the age of 57 with my brother and I holding her hands.

I'm so sad that my kids didn't get to know the Mom I did.  She was truly one of the greatest parts of my life!  She taught me so much about, love, loyalty, friendship, caring, patience and having fun! She was such an awesome person!  She inspired me to be the person I am today.  I believe she has watched over and protected my kids in times of great need.  Sometimes out of the blue I feel her near me.  I whisper to her in my prayers and tell her I miss her and Love her so very much.  She lives on inside me!

Happy Mother's Day Mom!  I Love you!

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