Feelings

I started this blog to keep in touch with family and friends with the happenings of our busy family.  Then I found it was therapeutic to write about some of the harder moments that life throws out.  Then I started writing for my kids.  Thinking that diaries are so 1970.  This is a great way to write down life's moments that I wanted to last for all time.  Lately, I want to vent.  For the sake of hurting others feelings I wouldn't ever do that.  But don't you have moments, days, weeks or even months where you just want to scream at people and tell them how you really feel!

Well this is one of those months.  I know the cliche' that you should never hold things in.  But what good will it really do to tell them? No matter how much people ask, the answer will always be "I'm fine" even when I'm not.  I often wonder, would I really be able to find the words to express how I'm truly feeling, "enough to make them understand?"  Because really what I want to do is convenience them I'm right.  Someone once told me, "When your angry, disappointed and frustrated at someone, do you think they really care? The only person who really cares is you."  I think about this a lot. I've learned the only person who controls how I feel is Me!  If I'm mad that no one emptied the garbage today and I'm yelling at the boys about the fact that they continued to walk by it a hundred times.  Do they care that the garbage needed to be emptied?  If I'm honest with myself the answer is, Not really.  I'm the one that it bothers.  So what do I do, I empty it.

When I was a young mom I remember feeling overworked, overwhelmed, and exhausted.  I wanted to be recognized for my labors.  Did it always come in the form of adoration I wanted?  Not really.  There have been dark moments in my life (when caring for my mom) that I turned to anti depressants.  I really can't say if they helped or not, it was such a sink hole that I felt would never end.   But I learned to voice my needs and those around me came to my rescue.  Lucky I have 4 kids to help with the rescue!   I know I must be spoiled because my cute family always picks up the slack.  If I'm sad, I'm loved.  If I'm lonely, I have company.  If I'm frustrated, they jump in to fix it.   And no matter what, I pray.  I usually pray for strength and guidance.  But lately I've felt a great need to pray for those who I have anger towards.  I'll get back to you if this helps, haven't got a big WOW yet...  But some things aren't that easily fixed.   If I'm depressed, I turn to myself and figure it out. Geez!  What powerful words...I have to figure it out myself!  True, sometimes I just don't want to figure it out myself.  I want to be loved, pampered, babied.  But when it is true, deep and hurtful I must turn to myself.  It wasn't until that brave person told me, "...do you think they really care?"  that I finally got it. I am my own keeper.  I MUST figure it out for myself!

I am powerful beyond measure because of my family.  But I am STRONG because of me!  I am the only person who controls my happiness.  I get to choose everyday how my life will play out.  I get to choose how I interact with people around me.  I choose who I tell my secrets to and what secrets I keep locked inside.

This weeks blog is again therapeutic, I feel like I just told the world how I really feel.  And today I don't feel  particularly happy with everyone.  But today I am figuring it out!